


Moments of Our Lives

by krysanteemi



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Depression, F/F, Like, Oop, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, a n c i e n t, and the quality changes, but enjoy i guess, but i want even the cringiest garbage i've written to be archived somewhere, im so embarrased about posting this, these are old, uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:34:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24309802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krysanteemi/pseuds/krysanteemi
Summary: A series of drabbles I wrote years ago, when I was struggling with a self-harm and an alcohol addiction, as well as depression. Writing these little snippets helped me get through a lot, and I hope they can bring that same comfort to someone else as well. Remember to take care of yourselves, and that you're important and loved.Mostly Clara/Reader but there are a few exceptions(More in-depth trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter)
Relationships: ..if you squint, Amy Pond (Doctor Who)/Reader, Clara Oswin Oswald/Reader, River Song/Reader, The Doctor (Doctor Who)/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	1. CLARA // A Cure for Boredom

You glance at the clock on the bedside table.

  
”2:35pm,” you sigh and roll over so that you're facing away from the glaring numbers. The doctor was taking his sweet time doing a maintenance check on the TARDIS and you were bored out of your mind. You thought staying in your bedroom might be best because exploring the ship would most likely just get you either lost or dropped in the swimming pool, and you bothering the doctor was out of the question too.

  
'I wonder what Clara's doing,' you think to yourself and as if summoned by the unspoken words the door to your room opened and the woman in question stepped in.

  
”'Oi, move over. I'm feeling very hugg-y right now,” Clara says in a chipper tone, laying down next to you. She immediately wraps her arms around your waist and lets her head rest underneath your chin.

  
”Hugg-y?” you question her about the word with a chuckle.

  
”I want hugs. From you. I'm an English teacher, I'm allowed to make up words,” Clara replies, her voice muffled by your shoulder. This time you let out a proper laugh and pull her closer. Clara takes a deep breath and smiles as you let your fingers run through her hair. For a while neither of you say anything. You listen to Clara's breathing and hold onto her, feeling calm and relaxed.

  
”How long do you think we're going to stay put like this? It's driving me crazy,” you wonder out loud. Clara shrugs and places a feather light kiss on your neck.

  
”No idea. I tried to ask the doctor but he just mumbled something about temporal energies and missing wires,” she mumbles and holds you tighter. ”There are a few good sides to this though.” You smile, stroking her back gently.

  
”Glad I can be of service,” you whisper and kiss the top of her head. The hum of the TARDIS and Clara's warm and soft body make you feel sleepy, but just as you're about to doze off the whole room starts to shake. The both of you are thrown off the bed and let out surprised yelps as you hit the floor. Clara lands on top of you and your foreheads knock together rather painfully. The familiar whirring noise of the TARDIS landing fills the room and finally everything stops moving.

  
”Sorry, didn't mean to hit you,” Clara says, not even trying to stifle her laughter. You laugh along with her and just as she's about to get off you, you pull her into a kiss. Clara lets out a small surprised 'eep', but responds almost immediately after. You feel her smile into the kiss and you can't help the grin that forms on your lips as well. After a few seconds you pull apart and Clara pushes herself off the floor. She offers you a hand to help you up and keeps your hand in hers as the two of you exit the room to go see if the doctor's finally ready to go find something brilliant again.


	2. CLARA // Sigh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor tries playing match-maker, but you're not that into it. Clara overhears.

You're leaning against the railing of the TARDIS main control room, looking at nothing in particular. A sigh escapes your lips as the Doctor comes up to you, a frustrated look on his face. Although you suppose he always looked frustrated. It was probably the eyebrows.

”What is it? You have been doing that- that noise far too many times for anyone's comfort for far too long. This is what you do when you need to talk to a person so go on, talk!” he exclaims and you look a bit surprised. You didn't expect compassion, but he could stand to be a bit more gentle.

”I just.. Clara,” you say and almost sigh again, but catch yourself when the Doctor raises one of his eyebrows.

”Yes, what about her? We haven't got all day, you know,” he pries, waving his hands in front of you. You wring your hands and bite your lip. What could possibly happen? The Doctor couldn't do anything about it anyway, so you'd be stuck in the same situation as before. Maybe you'll feel better if you tell him, though. Better to not worry alone, you guess.

”I like her. As in I _like_ like her. A lot. And there's nothing I can do because she's with Danny,” the last word comes out more spiteful than you'd originally meant. You were happy that Clara was happy, and Danny was nice and all but you couldn't help feeling jealous. The Doctor's eyes light up a little bit and his mouth forms into a small 'o' shape. You know he didn't like Danny and hoped that he wouldn't do anything rash.

”Ahh, now I see. I don't know a lot about the whole human emotion thing, but I do know that I would much rather see you with our dear Clara, than with P.E,” he says and you object.

”No, please don't do anything rash. She's happy now and I don't want to screw it up. Besides, even if she did end up breaking up with Danny somehow it doesn't mean that she would want to be with me.” You fiddle with your sleeves, your eyes stuck on the floor. The doctor hesitantly places a hand on your shoulder.

”You do realize that if you don't do anything then nothing will happen either,” he says.

”I know, but I can't force her to be with me. I would never do that. If Danny Pink is to be with Clara Oswald to the end of time then I'll just have to deal with it, because she's my friend first.”

You stay silent for a while after your rant, the Doctor merely looking at you.

”You really do love her, don't you?” he asks, his voice surprisingly loud. You simply sigh.

”Yes. Yes, I really, really do. But have you seen her? The way her face lights up when we step on a new planet, the way she smiles when we find strange new aliens or something? Have you heard her laugh even when we're in the face of danger? I love her so much and there is nothing I can do about it.” You throw your arms up as a sign of giving up and turn around to go back to your room only to see the TARDIS door open, and one Clara Oswald stuck in the doorway unable to move.


	3. THE DOCTOR // Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor sets up a little pick-me-up for you. You know. In his own way.

You wished that for once the doctor would appear at a sensible time. As much as you loved it when he came to take you away, you wish it was when you were already awake or not at work. You open the curtains of your room's window and look down to the yard to see the blue box appear right in the middle of the flowerbed.

”Great,” you murmur, mourning the roses your father had looked after for years now. You throw your feet over the edge of your bed and change out of your pajamas, putting on something more appropriate. The doctor probably couldn't care less, what with his already ridiculous fashion sense, but you personally felt better wearing jeans rather than a nightie.

You take care not to wake your parents as you move through the house, even though the TARDIS might have woken them up already. You stop by their bedroom door and glance down. There was no light coming from under the door, so you press your ear against the door. Nothing. Completely quiet. You let out a sigh of relief and go find your shoes.

After you've struggled with your shoelaces for long enough you open the door only to be engulfed in a hug.

”Hello, Y/N!” the Doctor's loud voice pierces the silent night, as well as your eardrums.

”Hello, yourself,” you say, unable to stop the smile that was forming on your face. You circle your arms around him and squeeze him tight. The Doctor soon lets go and takes your hand instead.

”It's been a while, it's been a while! Now, I have a little surprise for you,” he rambles while leading you toward the TARDIS. With a snap of his fingers the doors open up and as you see the interior of the TARDIS your breath is taken away. All over there are flowers. Absolutely everywhere. Every nook and crevice was filled with roses, lilies, peonies and some kinds that you couldn't recognize, possibly because they weren't from earth at all.

”Do you like it?” the Doctor whispers into your ear. The flowers were arranged so that it looked like a piece of space. Most of the flowers were dark violets, with white tulips imitating stars. There were some neon colored ones that looked like a cloud of stardust.

”Did you do this?” you ask him, taking a step further inside. The doctor chuckles.

”It wasn't all me, you know. The old girl helped me create the correct climate for each individual flower. See, they're all actually inside small time bubbles so they don't wilt or kill us by emitting poisonous gases,” his voice grew a bit worried towards the end, but you just laugh.

”It's amazing. I love it,” you giggle. The doctor smiles and heads towards the console.

”We're not done yet,” he says mysteriously, pushing down two blue buttons and before you can ask what he's talking about the TARDIS lets out a roar. You both hold on to the console for dear life, laughing in unison while you travel through the time vortex. The shaking slows down and you drop to the floor, holding out a hand for the doctor. He hauls you up and spins you in a circle, before facing towards the door.

”Ready?” he asks. You nod without hesitation, mentally preparing yourself for whatever might be on the other side. He pushes open the door, holding on to your shoulders tight. You were thankful for that, because had he not kept you still you would've stepped right out of the TARDIS into nothingness. Well, it wasn't really nothing. It was outer space, but there was no ground to fall on so you might have ended up falling for a very long time. The Doctor points towards the horizon and as you see what he's looking at you can't stop yourself from gasping.

It was your name, literally written in the stars. The stars were formed so that they spelled out your actual name.

”What the actual-”

”What do you think?” he asks before you can finish. You are speechless, nothing but a few stray syllables leave your mouth.

”I altered the birth of this starsystem a little bit. Nobody was harmed though, the development of their life and ecosystems was still the same. It's just the shape that's different,” he explains and you finally manage to get yourself together.

”A _little_!?” you yell, your eyes stuck to the letters on the sky.

”Humans will eventually find it. You'll never know why it's shaped like that, but you do end up calling it the Y/N system,” he says, smiling. You feel like you might need to sit down.

”But why? Why on earth would you go to the lengths of altering an entire constellation just to spell out my name?” you spit out, holding your head in your hands. The Doctor's smile becomes a little shy as he looks down at his hands.

”Well, I don't remember your birthday often, so I thought I might as well try to get this one time right,” he explains.

You simply stare at him, grinning from ear to ear. You turn around, facing away from the stars and hugging the Doctor instead. A chuckle escapes your lips as you hold him tight.

”You are truly unbelievable.”


	4. CLARA // Movie Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmare Before Christmas and a pretty girl. That's it, that's the summary.

The day had been wonderful. In the morning the doctor had parked the TARDIS into your bedroom and you'd gone on an adventure to a planet that was full of mermaids. It was quite the trip, honestly. Clara almost lost a few fingers and your hair had briefly been dyed green. Then Clara had asked you for tea. You obviously agreed, not hesitating for a second. The two of you were friends, at the very least. After a few close encounters and tight hiding spaces you were left wondering if there was room for more.

The doctor had dropped you off at Clara's apartment and flown off somewhere. He never really said where. With that you were left alone with Clara. Sweet, beautiful Clara. You sat down in her kitchen and talked about all kinds of things while sipping your tea. First you relived the adventures you'd been through and then moved on to your favourite books, which had led you to discuss movies as well. After you mentioned an interest in the Nightmare Before Christmas Clara's eyes lit up as she left the kitchen and came back with a dvd case.

”Movie night?” she said, holding up the case. You nodded enthusiastically and Clara led you to the living room by the hand. You couldn't help noticing how soft her hands were. They were so warm, you wanted to hold them forever.

You sat on the couch while Clara popped in the movie. She threw some blankets in your general direction and closed the curtains, making the room nearly pitch black. Your heart thumped a little faster when she finally sat next to you and curled up against you.

* * *

The movie is nearing it's end and the two of you were growing tired. You'd sung along with all the songs, Sally's Song especially. You'd almost flipped the pronouns in the song a few times but had caught yourself just before the slip. Clara's head was now on your shoulder and you were brushing your fingers through her hair lightly, which caused low, appreciative hums.

You look back up at the screen to see Sally finally approaching Jack about her feelings. You smile and take the role of Jack, drawing in a breath to prepare for your part.

”My dearest friend, if you don't mind,” you sing in a low voice, ”I'd like to join you by your side.”

You take a quick glance at Clara. Her eyes are closed and if she wasn't smiling you'd be quite sure that she was asleep.

”Where we can gaze into the stars”

Clara slowly lifts her head and looks you straight in the eye with a determined, yet gentle look. She's still smiling.

”And sit together, now and forever,” her voice joins yours and you could swear that her face is getting closer to yours. You keep looking into her eyes, completely captivated.

”For it is plain, as anyone can see”

Clara's face is inches from yours now and you unconsciously lick your lips. You gently touch her cheek, making her sigh.

”We're simply meant to be,” you finish in a whisper and close the distance between you. Her lips are incredibly soft, the kiss so much more amazing than you could have ever imagined. It was like fireworks, but even better. Your heart is racing when you put your arms around Clara and feel her teeth on your lower lip. You lay back on the couch and she falls sloppily on top of you, almost falling off the couch entirely. One of your hands is in her hair and the other is pulling her even closer to you. You wish the moment would never have to stop.

Eventually Clara pulls away though, smiling again.

”Someone's happy,” you say, not knowing what else to do after.. that. She tucks her hair behind her ear and pokes your nose.

”You bet I am. Been waiting for that a while now, it's about time I got a little taste of you,” she says, slightly out of breath. You let out a short, light laugh.

”You're amazing, you know,” you whisper.

”I know,” she replies with a smirk. She kisses your nose and lets her head rest on your chest. You let your hands make slow circles across her back, feeling her breaths grow deeper. The movie's credits are rolling and you both eventually fall asleep to the sound of the menu looping over and over.


	5. RIVER // The Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was supposed to be a quick visit to your mother's house to water her plants while she was away, turns out to be anything but.

It was just an ordinary day. It was supposed to be. It was cloudy with bits of rain, and you were tending to your mother's garden while she was away on a trip with her friends. If only it had been an ordinary day.

You thought you were just tired when you thought you saw the statue move, but then it happened again. And again. It was like it was following you, but not moving enough for you to be sure. You could have sworn that it's hands were covering both of it's eyes before. You were creeped out, but didn't really care. It was just a statue, you told yourself.

Then you saw her. A woman with bright eyes and curly blonde hair, wearing a blue leather jacket and a black skirt. She was just passing by, but the way she looked at you was strange. It was like she was observing you a bit too close for your comfort. That was your first mistake, looking away. After the woman had gone you turned around and jumped a bit. The statue was gone.

”What the- it was right there! A statue doesn't just disappear into thin air! Oh, mom's going to be so mad.” You mutter under your breath, staring at the empty pedestal in the middle of the garden. You let out a sigh and pick up your tools, ready to go back home and watch a movie. Maybe you'll even make some popcorn.

You close the door behind you and drop everything next to it just like you had on the two previous days you'd been here. Now to just get your bag from the kitchen at the end of the hall and you could call it a day.

The house suddenly seemed more tense. There was an obvious shift in the air, like there was electiricity everywhere, but there was no source. You felt slight tingles on your skin and rubbed your arms to make the goosebumps go away. It was like someone was watching you, but when you turned around there was no one there. You sped up and almost ran to the kitchen, snagged your bag without second thought and sprinted outside. The door was locked, you could go home. Sweet, sweet home. Before you left though, you noticed that the statue was back on it's place.

”Strange..” you muttered. ”I'm probably just tired.”

After locking the gate you were too shaken up to see the blonde woman still watching you from behind the corner.

The microwave's beeping brings you back from your thoughts. It had been a very strange day, although you hadn't slept too much on the previous night. You take the bag of popcorn and empty it into a bowl, popping a few pieces into your mouth. You settle in the chair you've set up in front of the tv and try to find something worth watching on Netflix. After picking Imagine Me & You you let yourself relax and try to forget everything that happened today.

Babout an hour into the movie the feeling came back. That same tingly feeling that someone was watching, someone was close and that you may not have been as safe as you thought you were. You try to let it go, but you can't.

Then you see it.

Right outside the window, there's the statue from your mother's garden. You freeze completely still, unable to tear your eyes away from it. How was it here? What was it doing? Was it a prank? It had to be a prank. But who could possibly want to drag a heavy angel statue all across the city?

The tv turns into static as you slowly move backwards, still looking at the stone angel. And then you run.

You run towards your bedroom, but something reaches out to you before you make it. It was a human hand, that much you could tell, and it was holding you in a very tight grip.

”What are you doing, where is it now!? You have to keep looking at it, you absolutely cannot stop looking!”

It was that woman you saw earlier, the one with the blonde hair. You look back towards the window, but the statue was gone again.

”I- I don't know! It's just a statue! Did you put it there?” you yell at the woman still holding you in a vice grip.

”Of course I didn't, they move on their own.”

”They move-”

”On their own, yes, and now we have to run.” the woman says in a quick, hushed voice.

”We? Who are you, anyway, and what are you-”

”Oh, I don't have time for this!” she says and drags you out of the apartment into the hallway.

”It's probably inside already, doesn't want to let it's food get away. Luckily there's a lot of people in this building, so there'll be a lot of watchers,” the woman says, letting go of your hand to tap some sort of device on her wrist. Then she takes your hand again and you run.

You manage to make it exactly five feet down the stairs until you see the statue again, grappling the railing on it's knees. It looked like it was screaming.

”It's quite weak, so we still have a chance. Just make sure you keep looking at it and no matter what you do, do not touch it.” the woman says and you nod, too scared to do anything else. She sneaks along the side of the stairs and you do the same, trembling as you get closer and closer. After what feels like an eternity you get past it and keep running until you reach the door the woman is holding open.

”Quick, come on!” she yells at you and takes your hand again. As soon as you're outside she hugs you tight and taps the device on her wrist, breathing heavily. All you remember after that is mostly nausea before blacking out.

The next thing you know is your head hurts. Quite a lot, actually. You rub your temples and very slowly get up, feeling the waves of pain get increasingly worse. You reach for the bucket next to the.. bed? The pain begins to subside as you look around the dim room that looks like it's straight from a sci-fi movie. The walls are made of metal and on the other side there's a table filled with scrolls, books and papers. Before you can get a better look the door opens and the woman who saved you steps into the room.

”Oh, hello, sweetie! You're awake,” she hums as she comes towards you. She sits down next to you and scans you with something that looks like a trowel.

”Vital signs are okay.. Did you look into it's eyes? No sand in the corner of your eye? No hallucinations?” she asks and you shake your head.

”Yes, the symptoms would have started already, so I suppose you're safe,” she says, tapping the trowel a few times. She doesn't say anything else, so you think it might be okay to ask her a few questions too.

”What was that thing? And who are you? What happened? Where am I?” you blurt out. The woman looks up for a second, a sad look on her face, before going back to her trowel.

”I'm doctor River Song, an archaeologist from the future. You're on my space ship, away from earth. What you just saw was a weeping angel. They feed off temporal energy and if I hadn't found you you'd probably be somewhere in 1930 by now.”

”Temporal energy?” you mumble before River has a chance to explain.

”Yes, they send you into the past and consume the energy that your transport forms. They're known to do worse things too, but it's best I don't talk about that.” she says with a grimace.

”Worse.. Oh my god, what about my mother? She's going back tomorrow and that- that angel thing might be after her! It was in her garden before it found me.” you say and feel tears in the corners of your eyes.

River looks up again and takes your hand. It's warm. You look into her eyes and they're beautiful, calm somehow. You felt like you could trust this woman.

”She's safe. I've taken care of the angel by now, so it won't be going after anyone in a long time. You'll be okay,” she explains, rubbing your hand with her thumb. The tears are flowing freely now and before you know it you're sobbing. The woman plaes the trowel next to her and gathers you into a hug.

”It's going to be alright, sweetie. They can't harm you now. You're safe,” she whispers into your ear. You nod and hug her back.

”Thank you.”


	6. CLARA // Bakers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cake and a quickie. Gays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This drabble contains smut!

”Mix the eggs and the sugar. You got that, Clara?” you read from the book to the woman standing across from you, holding a bowl and a spoon.

”Yes, it won't be salt this time,” she says with a giggle. You were in her kitchen baking a cake for one of the kids Clara used to babysit. She still visited them from time to time and was always there for their birthdays.

”I sure hope so. Then you should mix the dry ingredients and add them in the batter with the milk. Do we have a gift, by the way?”

”Yes, we do.”

”Does it have something to do with the doctor?”

”Maybe?” Clara replies. You don't mind the doctor being involved, you just hope it won't be something dangerous. Knowing him though, it probably will be. You were a part of one of those adventures, too. While the blue aliens were pretty, you would like to forget being almost drowned in a crystal jelly pool.

Clara starts humming a tune you faintly remember and you just look at her. The way the sunlight hits her hair, those gorgeous brown eyes you could just drown in. So beautiful.

”What are you looking at? See something you like?” Clara laughs and winks at you.

”You bet I do,” you reply and go around the table to hug her.

”Watch it, you'll get flour all over you!”

Despite her words she gives you a peck on the lips and you go back to your seat. She licks the spoon and pours the mixture into the pan. You freeze at the sight of her tongue on the utensil and she notices it.

”30 minutes, right?” she asks, making sure you get a good look at her bottom as she bends over to place the cake in to the oven.

”30 minutes,” you gulp.

She closes the oven and makes her way over to you slowly, making sure you see every little move of her hips. You feel hypnotized by the way her skirt bounces over her legs, the legs she is currently placing on top of you.

”Should be enough time, eh?” she whispers into your ear from your lap and you feel your stomach drop.

”Plenty,” you say back to her as you start rolling her tights down while your lips work on her neck, leaving small marks everywhere you touch. Clara throws your top over your head and lets her hand slide over your bra clad breasts, making you shiver. You throw the tights on the floor and your hands don't waste time as you almost rip Clara's button-up shirt open to expose her chest. You kiss her breast while opening the clasp of her bra and let your tongue slide over her nipple. The sigh she lets out encourages you as you suck on her breast, maybe a bit too hard, but the way Clara is gripping the table she probaby didn't mind.

You let your fingers slide agonizingly slowly over her thighs and Clara lets out a moan. You smirk and cup her, feeling the wetness through the fabric of her underwear. She slightly jolts as you start rubbing her, hips thrusting along with your movements.

”Ohhhh, god..” Clara cries out as you leave a hickey on her breast. Your movements are faster now, hers more desperate for friction. She's practically lying on the table when you suddenly stop, earning an unsatisfied noise from her, and remove her underwear completely. Clara's dissatisfaction doesn't last long though, as you slide two fingers inside her and curl them upwards, bringing out yet another moan. Your tongue still works her nipples, while you bring your other hand to please her clit. Clara's moans get louder and louder, she even knocks something off the counter but neither of you care. She's getting closer and you can feel your own desire pool between your legs when you stare at her toned stomach, the way her chest is heaving as you move your fingers in and out.

”Fuck..” you whisper and kiss her on the lips this time. Her hot breath on your face, the way her legs are holding your hips tight, her nails digging into your back, you could stay in this moment forever. Clara however, does not want to wait around and she lets out one final hitched breath before climaxing. You let her ride out the orgasm before slowly removing your fingers and licking them clean.

”Better than cake ,” you whisper and half-lie on top of her.

”Oh, screw you,” Clara laughs. She caresses your face and brushes a stray hair behind your ear. She's tired and happy, and that makes you happy. Her expression quickly changes, however, and her nose scrunches up.

”What's that smell? It's like something's burning,” she says, before her eyes widen in realization. You jump off her and quickly open the oven only to release a cloud of smoke into the room. You cough and reach for the cake in the oven, and drag out a half brown, half black.. something. The both of you simply stare at it for a moment in silence, until Clara finally says something.

”Maybe we should make a souffle?”


	7. AMY // Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything's spinning. Amy listens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Panic Attack

You'd been on edge all day. It was like stretching a rubber band further and further, the tension buiding until it came down with a very painful snap. You were leaning against the railing in the TARDIS control room, trying desperately to keep calm. The doctor was beneath the console messing with the cables while Amy was looking at the various screens scattered around, sometimes passing the doctor a tool or two.

Your breathing was getting more shallow by the minute, the thoughts in your head becoming so loud you couldn't ignore them anymore. _'You're horrible. Wrong. Nobody wants you here. You're unimportant and unnecessary. You're worthless'._ You clutch your head in an attempt to silence them, but you can't. You never can. Your hands are trembling and the room is spinning a bit. You can't breathe. You realize your grip on the railing is loosening and you drop to the floor, your lungs desperately trying to draw in air. Tears start falling down on your cheeks as you curl into yourself. You feel a hand on your shoulder.

”Y/N, are you alright?” you hear Amy's voice say and faintly nod. The feeling would pass at some point anyway. The trembling is worse now and you're hyperventilating through your sobs. The doctor hears the commotion and runs up the stairs towards you.

”What is it? What's happening?” he asks, pointing his sonic screwdriver briefly at you before waving it all around the room.

”It could be arcofaxian gas, rather fatal because it can asphyxiate the victim in mere seconds. Or maybe it's those catalyst oysters again, they're never good news, you know,” he rambles and flicks the sonic a few times with a confused look. Amy shoots him an exasperated look.

”No, it's a panic attack, you idiot!” she says and turns back to you. She takes your hands in hers, looking you straight in the eye.

”Okay, we're going to do some breathing now. Just keep looking at me and breathe in at the same time as I do,” Amy continues in a gentler tone, rubbing her thumbs against the backs of your palms in a soothing motion. She inhales deeply and you try to mimic her as best as you can. The doctor stands awkwardly behind her, waving his hands in the air before deciding that Amy could handle this and with a sad smile he retreats back beneath the console. You keep breathing with Amy until the hyperventilation passes and you're left as a trembling, softly crying mess. Amy doesn't say anything for a while, she simply presses her forehead against yours.

”Now then, do you want to tell me what caused this?” she says quietly. You nod but stay silent. You just stare into Amy's brown eyes, listening to the doctor's tinkering. The words in your head are nothing but one big jumble that you can't put in the right order. You start to shiver more violently, so Amy moves next to you and throws an arm around you.

”It's aright. You're alright,” she says and you feel more tears fall down on your cheeks.

”I'm sorry,” you say. It's the only thought that makes sense right now. ' _Sorry I'm a bother. Sorry you have to take care of me. Sorry I'm always a burden. Sorry I can't take care of myself'._

”You have nothing to apologize for,” Amy replies, squeezing you a little bit. You let your head fall on her shoulder and close your eyes.

”I just.. I feel like I'm so useless. I'm never of any help to you or the doctor and you two are just.. Brilliant. You're always saving each other and yourselves and I'm just dead weight that you're afraid to drop,” you finally manage to say through the hiccups caused by the crying. Amy looks at you for a second, her expression slightly hurt. Then she moves so she can engulf you in a hug. She rubs your back and the remainders of your tears soak her jumper.

”You are not dead weight. You are not useless. You are just as important as anyone else in this room,” Amy says in a stern voice.

”You're our friend and that means a lot. You mean a lot to us, to me. And don't you dare think that I'm lying,” she finishes and holds you tight. You slowly wrap your arms around her and return the hug, your hands tightly grasping the fabric of her shirt.

After that you don't say anything for a while. Amy leaves for a minute to say something to the doctor, but comes back and sits next to you as soon as she's done. She takes your hand in hers and puts the other around you, guiding your head down on her shoulder.

”Thank you,” you whisper.

Amy smiles and holds you tighter.


	8. CLARA // A Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The TARDIS has a habit of knowing what you need before you even know yourself. Whether you like it or not, is up to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW HEAVY descriptions of self-harm and the thoughts surrounding the subject, as well as general self-deprecation

The TARDIS works in a funny way, it's almost like it's a person of it's own. Sometimes it plays tricks on you and leads you to the kitchen instead of the bathroom or hides your wardrobe. Sometimes, if you really need it, if you really need someone, it will bring you help. You weren't sure how Clara could have possible heard your crying, but the TARDIS has it's way. It wants to help. And it always knows how, even if you don't.

You're sitting in your room, counting the sharp objects you can find there. There's 27 of them. How effective they are though, that would be debatable, but they could do some damage if you got creative. You were drowning inside your own head again, intrusive thoughts spinning themselves into a thread that had tangled itself around your shoulders. The only relief came with pain, and even that was short-lived, but it was something. It made the world slow down for a little while. You tried to choose between the broken glass you'd hid in your drawer and the nail clippers in the bathroom, considering how effective each instrument was, and weighing your options carefully. It didn't really matter, did it? So long as it pierced skin. Your eyes were swollen from the crying, your head was hurting, but it still wasn't quiet. It wouldn’t be until you were finished. So you pick yourself up and head for the bathroom cabinet and pick up the clippers there before dropping yourself on the floor. You were a disappointment. Why does the doctor even travel with you? You're nothing special. You're just you. And you’re worthless.

And Clara, oh god, Clara. Why was she your friend at all? She was so beautiful, so kind and always making jokes with the doctor. She made you laugh, even when nothing else would. They were perfect. You didn't fit into their dynamic. You were unnecessary. The doctor doesn't need you. Clara doesn't need you.

With that thought tears spill on your cheeks again, your face crumpling into a grimace. You put the blade on your wrist, preparing for the sting. It hurts at first, but you get used to it. Just as you are about to break skin, you hear footsteps. You don't dare move a muscle. Who could it be? And why were they in your room? The doors were supposed to be locked.

”Y/N, are you in here? The TARDIS was hurrying me.. I think it was worried,” you heard Clara's voice. You contemplate whether or not you should answer. What would you even say? And what would she say when she saw you. If it weren't for your previous scars you could just brush it off as you cutting your nails, but Clara would be too smart for that.

”Yeah, I'm here,” you sigh. You hear the footsteps get closer, the sound of her dress shoes clicking muffled by the soft carpet in your bedroom, and as she rounds the corner you hear her gasp.

”What.. what are you doing?” she asks, her voice trembling like a leaf. She closes the door behind her, and slides down to the floor, taking hold of your clammy hands as if to keep them occupied with something, anything else.

”I think you know exactly what I'm doing,” you say bitterly, not even bothering to try and sound polite.

”It's okay, I'm not judging you,” she murmurs, so gently you can barely hear it. She squeezes your hands slightly, trying to keep herself composed, to not show how worried she was, but you had spent too much time with her to not be able to read her. ”Do you want to talk about it?”

”I don’t know,” you admit. On one hand, verbalizing the thoughts spinning in your head would alleviate them for a while, but on the other, some of them were rather morbid. ”You’re not my therapist. And I don’t want you to feel like one.”

”Oh, darling,” Clara says and scoots closer to you, so that she’s right next to you. ”I know I’m not, but I _am_ your friend. And while I probably won’t be able to help you with the cause, I can still be here and listen, if you need me.”

You feel tears pricking your eyes and squeeze them shut, wiping your palm across your cheek to catch any of the ones that managed to escape.

”I- I suppose I just feel.. Worthless.”

Clara held in her breath, afraid that even the slightest sound might scare you out of talking to her.

”You and the doctor both have done so many amazing things, and I’m just.. me. I’m not showstopping or brave or smart. I feel like I’m a ball tied to a chain that’s stuck on your legs, and you can’t run freely while I’m there.”

Clara looks into your eyes as the words come out of your mouth. She puts her forehead on your shoulder and pulls you into a hug.

”You're not worthless,” she says, her voice suddenly firm and strong, like she could move mountains with her words alone. ”I don’t know if there’s a word that’s further from what you mean to me- to us, and how happy it makes me to go on silly adventures with you. It wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t there. And you know why?”

You sniffle, leaning your head on her shoulder, burrowing into her cardigan, hoping it can hide you from the whole world and keep you safe, just for a little while.

”Because you're you. And that's why we love you.”


End file.
